I'm Finally Starting to Get It.

"Adapt yourself to the things among which your lot has been cast and love sincerely the fellow creatures with whom destiny has ordained that you shall live." - Marcus Aurelius

I've read the above quote over and over again. I am a big fan of the teachings of Marcus Aurelius and I have spent much time pondering wise information and thoughts on relationships and marriage in an effort to better understand how to be truly successful in my own marriage. A good friend of mine once said that when a person thinks of marriage they shouldn't think, "What is this person going to do for me?" rather "What am I able to do for that person?" I never forgot that. I also never really knew how true that was until I got married.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fact is this: marriage is work! It is truly a full-time job in itself. Actually, I should say that a "successful" marriage is work. It is compromise. It is more being self-less, as opposed to selfish. It is without a doubt one of the hardest things I've ever attempted. I am constantly trying to adjust and figure things out. In my efforts to understand things in my marriage, I've spoken to many male and female friends both married and single, straight and gay. Some have pointed out to me that I often talk about what "I" am not getting, or what he didn't do for "me". It was an unwelcomed awakening. I realized that I was thinking mostly about how I felt or what I knew I was doing. Instead I started focusing less on what he wasn't doing, and more on the great things that he was doing.

I have to admit that I am a bit high-strung, somewhat high-anxiety and perhaps my expectations are a little high, as is the case with many other women I am sure. I have had to do just as Marcus Aurelius advised which is to "adapt". Yes, I've had to consciously stop my natural reactive instincts to certain things and just relax, ease up, and really focus on picking my battles. It's been one of my biggest challenges, but the fact is that it has worked! The reason it has worked is because the things that seem to be a big deal to me are insignificant to my husband.

An example is when he comes home from work and I cook a nice dinner. Dinner is hot, ready and the kids are finally seated (which is no easy feat when you're dealing with a two and four year old) and we are waiting on him, and waiting and waiting. The wait is because he is watching a game on t.v. I instantly feel my teeth itch because I get so irritated. I've worked hard to make a nice dinner, we are all ready and he has the audacity to make us all wait in the name of sports. I find it to be rude, inconsiderate and a bad example for his kids. For him however, it's nothing! He has no idea what the big deal is. Now, I must stop and say that his behavior has a lot to do with how he was raised or the lack thereof. Proper manners should be taught from a young age to all children. This was not the case in his household, but that is another story. The point is, now I let him know about fifteen minutes before dinner is ready and hope he is at the table on time. When it is dinnertime the children and I begin to eat. I don't wait. I don't let it upset me. He gets to the dinner table sooner and sooner. When he's late I still think it is rude and inconsiderate, but is it worth the headache? Absolutely not.

What I finally understand about marriage is that it's never perfect. It's not a fairytale. It's not easy or effortless, but it is worth it. If in fact this is the man that I love and want to be with then I must love him, rather than love what I think he's supposed to be. The important point to remember is that it isn't always reciprocal, not at first anyway. It may take longer for one spouse to "get it" than it does for another. That is okay! Give him time (or "her" as the case may be). The key is to stick with it. We're not keeping score. This isn't a game or a competition. You may go weeks or months when it seems as though you are the only one compromising and adapting. Hang in there. It will pay off. Love, life, marriage - they take time. They require lots of love, nurturing and patience. It may take a lifetime, but isn't the journey supposed to be the best part?

Simple Things Are Best

A friend of mine recently presented me with a gift (birthday gift) that just made my heart swell. It made my heart swell for two reasons: 1) because it was something I loved! And 2) because she knew me well enough to know I would love it! I love coffee. I love the smell of it, the taste of it, everything that has to do with it: mugs, coffee makers, grinders ... you name it. I've also had a reputation for liking the finer things in life. I've always been able to buy myself whatever nice things I liked. For that reason, some seem to think that I only want things that are expensive or pricey or the latest and greatest, which isn't the case.

So when my friend gave me a tin of homemade cookies, I was delighted. It was thoughtful and heartfelt. Then when she presented me with a gift card from Starbucks, I squealed with sheer joy! It truly made me happy for so many reasons. She knows I do online schooling and spend every week at Starbucks studying. She knows I love coffee, but more than that, I loved that she knew me enough to know that it's the simplest things that I enjoy the most. Her gesture thrilled me beyond words. My husband bought me a new coffee maker as he knew I had wanted one for some time now and another friend also presented me with a Starbucks gift card.

The point is that it is such a lovely thing when you realize that there are a handful of people that really "know" you and understand what makes you happy. The best compliment she gave me was when she told me, "You're so easy to please!" It may seem silly and simple and perhaps it is ... perhaps I am, but I'll be high on that for days!